Today I was bored and decided to play with Google. (This being, of course, after I had exhausted all my Words with Friends games, reviewed all the best memes from last night’s debate, and laughed myself silly at the Damn You Autocorrect website.)
But I digress….
I typed in “that precarious gait” and to my utter astonishment, my blog came up first in the Google list! Now, I feel certain that Separated Dad will inform me of some algorithm or other that dictated that to be so for me and me alone, but until then, I am going to feel pretty darn impressed with myself.
Imagine! I’m more popular with Google searchers than the wonderful Emily Dickinson poem that loaned its name to this blog! (Okay, so it didn’t exactly loan it… I more or less stole it. But still, you get the point, right?)
That fun Google discovery led me to wonder how my blog has been interacting with search engines lately. I wrote a post about this not long ago, but for those of you who are new (or aren’t loyal readers – TSK! TSK!), I’ll explain. You see, WordPress, the web platform on which my blog is based, shows me certain data about how you all find me — like which search engine terms directed people to my site — which would be useful if I ever bothered to do any marketing. But since I don’t, its usefulness is mainly confined to entertaining me when I am sprawled on my sofa, fighting off what I’m certain is going to be the worst cold known to man. Ever.
So, here’s what I found, along with my own snarky comments, ’cause I’m just like that when I’m sick:
“large gait nude woman” — The visual here, for me at least, is of a morbidly obese, bow-legged woman, but then I realize that the “large” adjective likely only modifies the noun “gait,” right? And then I realize that the large gait is not necessarily bow-legged, but could just be a long-legged gait. And then I realize that I am spending way too much time thinking about this search term.
“my voice should be louder than your reasoning” — I’m pretty sure I’ve dated this guy at some point. (And guys, don’t bother asking me how I know it’s a male. I’m sick and I’m cranky — you’ll likely get something thrown at you.)
“old people love photography” — See that? You learn something new everyday! And here I thought they just like canasta and dinner theaters.
“do married women go to Cancun by themselves?” — Ummmm… No. In fact, I don’t know if anyone goes to Cancun totally by themselves. But why in the world would you do it if you were married? Unless, of course, you hated your spouse. But no, I’m sure that’s not the case with your wife, mister. I’m sure she’s just there to paint pottery.
“jeans that make your bum look good” — If you find such jeans, please let me know. Oh, and I think I’ll start referring to all butts as bums. It just sounds so much cuter, doesn’t it?
“i hate men. i really do” — I think most of us with a vagina can relate to this one, from time to time. And some with a penis probably can, too, for that matter.
“deepest vagina ever” — Well, I’m going to have to take your word for it, and I actually kinda hope you’re a medical student. Or a tampon manufacturer.
“girls want a guy who will take cute and funny pictures with them” — Yes, and that’s reason #427 why every girl needs at least one gay friend.
“my girlfriend is a lingerie model” — Hmmm. This one stumps me, truly. Most people search for answers to a problem, dude.
“is he worth fighting for even if he doesn’t want a relationship?” — In a word? No.
“once my ducks are in a row one moves” — I think this might be my new favorite saying, because damn, it’s true. Although I think in my case it’s usually that one duck pinches another duck, and mayhem ensues, and I’m in the middle playing referee, with duck feathers flying and all the other ducks scattering. But hey, that’s still not having your ducks a row, so it’s basically the same thing.
The lesson, my friends, is a simple one: think before you Google, or you, too, could be someone’s punchline.