why I won’t hate blog James…

… but I could.  Boy howdy, could I ever.

But I won’t.  Not really.

It isn’t for lack of material, that’s for sure. He has provided ample fodder of late.  I mean, I could write scathing posts about how he was asking someone else out while we were still supposedly exclusive.  Or really let him have it for trading texts on Christmas Day with a girl who was stripper.  (Classy, no?)  Yes, indeed, I have some draft posts that would scald your eyes to read them.  But they will never be published.

Nope.

This is all the cyber world will hear of his transgressions and failures.  These tidbits of vitriol, in this short post, is all that I’ll publicly hurl at his well-deserving reputation.

Don’t worry, I’ve let him have all of it.  Okay, not all of it, but close.  I told him that he’s made me regret loving him, regret being so good and kind to him, regret having ever met him.  I told him to stay away from me and my children.  And I meant every word.  My blinders are off and the truth is like a hot white light in my eyes.

In my quiet moments, I have silently raged at him for not living up to the potential I saw in him.  I have hated myself for my silliness in believing that we’d shared anything remotely special.  I have chastised myself for the loving words and delighted posts dedicated to him on this blog.

But here’s the good news:  I am almost worn out of it.  I can feel the shock and anger and disappointment and disgust spinning off and away, as if down some metaphorical drain to join the sludge of relationships drowned in deceptions and lies and mistrust.  I can feel it all sliding off of me and leaving me tired and calm and clean again.  Ahhhh….

I have taken every step I can to insure that he is nowhere near my life, this man whom I loved such a short time ago, and yet didn’t really know at all.  I have determinedly turned my back on him and our past and have begun quietly re-ordering my life so as to fill the spaces left by his departure.

There will be ample time for reflection, and — knowing me — I will likely do more than is necessary.  But for right now, I am simply being.  I am working and mothering and resting and dreaming of the days when my heart will be more consistently light again.

My decision to end the James portion of my blog and my life here and now has nothing to do with him.  I am not protecting his reputation or privacy.  I am definitely not trying to curry favor with him or give him any hope that I might still respect him.  No, this is entirely about me.  Foolish as it was, I loved him, and I did so for as long and as well as I could, purely and completely and without guile or an agenda.  I accepted his flaws that I knew about and defended him to those who attacked him.  I worked really hard at the relationship and treated it with honor and integrity.

And I’m not going to ruin that now.

I refuse to demean myself by casting all the stones my broken heart would so sorely like to hurtle.  I refuse to abandon the good breeding my parents instilled in me.  I refuse to diminish what I thought we had just because he was too stupid and undeserving to value it.

So, with that I will end my James story.  Surely his name will surface from time to time, but I am reclaiming the part of my life that he owned.  I will not allow him to take anything more from me.

I’m done.

Goodbye, James.

Hello, Rest of My Life.

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9 Comments

Filed under dating, healing, love, relationships, sadness, single mom

9 responses to “why I won’t hate blog James…

  1. You have learned so well grasshopper.
    I know it’s tough TPG.
    One thing my counselor/therapist said to me when I was ranting against what I perceived to be lies from X and the things on which I based our marriage.
    When it all seemed false and I was reeling fromt he shock of the deception…she said ” but it was real for you”. And that is true. As foolish as i feel sometimes, it was (and still is to some extent) real for me. Just as it was for you.
    Keep the horizon in view.
    Peace to you.

    • Yes, LFBA, it was definitely real for me. No doubt about that. 🙂

      Definitely keeping the horizon in view. I’m so lucky that there are so many good things on that horizon…. lots to look forward to… lots of great people to spend time with. I really have nothing to complain about.

      And lots more writing to do. 🙂 (He never liked my blog anyway!)

      TPG.

  2. Oh TPG, my heart goes out to you…And this “I have silently raged at him for not living up to the potential I saw in him” feels eerily familiar about T. He had the potential to be such a great husband, dad and step-dad, yet he gave up on himself and this in a blink…
    From the glimpses you give, James was definitely not worthy of your affection. And I think your recovery is ever so fast, considering…

    • Thank you, Lady E, for the kind words of support. They were well-timed, as I have actually been feeling that I’ve overstayed my welcome on Wallowing Island. 🙂 Time to pull myself up, dust myself off, and get on with it, right? As you well know, that’s really the only choice…. 😉

  3. Hi! I’m back!

    I think it’s quite brave of you to box up the issues with James (from a blog perspective) and move on. It’s not easy, it’s very mature, it limits you in some ways. For your courage in doing this — bravo!

    Yet you of all of us have a better chance of seeing past the short-term towards the horizon mentioned by LFBA. To E’s comment, James was not worthy of your affection…but the saddest thing for you, for E herself, and for many others, is that there was no way to know that. We throw our hearts into a relationship and risk rejection and heartbreak precisely because playing it safe and betting small only brings modest returns. Going ‘all in’ is risky but the only way to eventually win the ‘full’ relationship that has ‘legs’.

    You’ll survive this heartbreak, smarting but smarter still. We’re by your side…

    • Lol, SD. I should have known that you’d immediately recognize that it limits me. And it DOES limit me. There is a part of me that would love to empty all my nastiness onto this screen… but I know myself well enough to know that I would regret it later. My integrity is still stronger than my dislike for him at this moment. 🙂

      And, of course you’re right about the necessary risks. I have accepted that truth here. I do not regret that I risked; I only regret that I risked after ample evidence that the risk was unwise. However, that period was not lengthy, so perhaps I am learning and making progress, right?

      Thanks for the support, as always….

      TPG

  4. Good for you. The only thing that I would counsel is to not let it affect future relationships. You have to go “all in” with relationships or it won’t work. If you hold back trying to protect yourself based upon past failred relationships you give James a victory yet again. He does not deserve it.
    It is not a reflection on you but on him. There are a lot of broken people in the world sadly and they inflict their brokenness on us.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

  5. Hello John,

    You are certainly right about not giving James more than he’s already taken. That is exactly the point of this post. This is all he gets. Period. Done.

    And I am definitely aware that I will need to be vigilant not to visit this pain on the next man who offers me something good and honorable and real. I am cognizant of that danger, and I will sincerely strive not to do that some poor unsuspecting, undeserving man. 🙂

    We shall see what the future holds…..

    TPG

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