Coach resurfaced this morning, of course.
For those of you who haven’t taken the time to draw complicated flow charts and graphs of everyone mentioned in my blog posts (and really, that begs the obvious question of “Why the hell not?!”), Coach is a guy I dated for the first time nearly two years ago. He comes and goes from my life in a way that no one else does, and has an uncanny (some would say spooky) ability to appear just when I need comfort, a gentle reminder, or some nudge from the universe towards clarity. It’s a complicated relationship in some regards that is probably worthy of its own post, but that’s not what this is about today.
Today it’s about being lucky.
Coach’s reappearance today took the form of an unexpected call when I was knee deep in a short deadline. Normally, I might have ignored it under those circumstances, but I answered it this time. Basically he was just checking in, putting his feelers out for my weekend plans… trying to figure out if I might be available and make some time for him.
He asked how my life is going, and because I know that he’s a friend on some level and genuinely interested in the answer, I took a moment to consider his question. And then I told him honestly:
I’m really happy.
Sincerely, really happy.
Not every minute of every day. Not when my kids are fighting. Not when my ex is being snarky. Not when my boss is being frustrating.
But most of the time.
I wake up with a smile. I go to sleep with a smile. I smile a lot in between.
My kids are happy and productive and mostly getting along. Their school reports are strong and their energy is bouncy.
Things with my ex-husband are generally peaceful and easy. I feel like we have settled into one of our good times, when we are both too happy and distracted to pick at each other.
Work is steadily busy and the chaos and difficulties of the late summer have subsided. Our friendly banter, mutual support, and sarcastic humor have returned.
My love life is opening and expanding in ways that only fate understands. I am watching in awe and amazement.
And I am in the middle of all this, with a soft smile on my face and hope in my heart. I have emerged from my first major post-divorce relationship with my hope intact. I have the most amazing friends around me. I am bathed in love and support and possibility. Everything I hoped for when I left my marriage has either come to fruition or is still possible in front of me. Two and a half years ago, I took a giant leap of faith. I risked everything on the furtive hope that life could be better. I rolled the dice that what I was doing would be better for all of us. I prayed for a time when life wouldn’t feel so hopeless, so sad, so stuck.
And it happened. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect, or easy. And mine isn’t either. But it is rich and full and busy and contented. I have created a life for myself that holds all the promise that was missing three years ago. I may feel grumpy sometimes, or nostalgic, or even sad, but hopeless? No. Definitely not hopeless.
I took a huge gamble. I bet on myself and those who truly love me and my faith in the universe. And I won the lottery.
How often do we really take the time to be aware of and grateful for our own happiness? How often do we say a silent prayer of thanks for the life we have fought for and worked for and struggled for? I am glad for Coach’s interruption today, because it allowed me a moment of reflection for how much I risked and how far I’ve come.
And when I told Coach all of this? He told me what I already know….
I am a lucky girl.