the self-conscious blogger

I have been gone.  The last post I wrote and published was on August 4th.

I don’t usually write about the writing or blogging process…. it seems kind of… well, self-absorbed.  Or, I guess, even more self-absorbed than the process of publishing my thoughts for the world to see, with the assumption that some people actually want to read those thoughts.  (I am still amazed and honored that anyone other than my closest friends take the moments to read my words.  It is startling and humbling to me.)

I have been struggling with my writing.  In July, I’d used my blog to vent some feelings and events that left me numb and confused and feeling naked and beaten.  I have pulled those posts for now, but have every intention of restoring them at some future date, when the feelings are not still so raw and charged.  The vomiting of that vitriol and anger left me speechless and self-conscious.  The words have not been coming and my thoughts have been scrambled.  I have not opened my laptop since August 4th, until yesterday.  My emotions have been all over the place and very few cohesive, useful thoughts have emerged from them.  And “useful” is important to me.  This blog is not my diary or my journal; I have one of those and that is entirely different.  Here, I try to write about ideas and concepts and discoveries that I think others might share or be interested in.  But sometime in July, my sense that I had anything useful to say flagged.  I lost my voice.

I have learned, as I’ve gotten older, that writer’s block in my relationship with my writing  is much like a bump in any relationship:  the more you worry about and focus on it and cling more tightly to your wish that it not be true, the longer you delay the reappearance of the easy and happy times that you most desire.  So, I have been simply riding out this latest bump… faithfully and patiently knowing that my writing and I would get past it and meet up on the other side.  That one day I would be inspired to open my laptop again.  That the good times between us would return and flourish and all would be forgotten and forgiven between us.  And here we are.  Back together again….






Filed under general musings

2 responses to “the self-conscious blogger

  1. So you’re the one!

    I remember a while ago that I was catching up on my blog subscriptions — I was weeks behind — and I discovered that some blog posts had mysteriously vanished. I didn’t pay much attention to who it was…but, ah-ha! At least now I know why they went walkabout…

  2. 🙂 Yes, apparently I was the one. Sorry ’bout that.

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