I hate men. I really do. except that I don’t.

This week I’ve been back in contact with my most recent ex.  It started with him asking me for some contact information for a summer program for his kids, segued into me asking if I could purchase some landscaping materials from his company because I couldn’t find them anywhere else, and ended with him asking me to go to bed with him.

I said no.  But I really, really, really wanted to say yes.  And that pisses me off.

After our last break-up a few weeks ago, I put the whole thing to rest. We didn’t hate each other; we just wanted different things at this point in our life.  It ended kindly and politely and almost warmly, and I felt like I had closure and finality and all those good things you need to move on.  I found that I accepted the end with a great deal of alacrity, and even I was surprised by how quickly I let go of the hopes I’d had for us.

So I guess I overestimated how “over” him I was.

Yesterday, he started texting me about the landscaping materials when I happened to be at a party near his house.  I told him so as I was leaving the party and he asked me to stop by since I was so close (he lives on a spread in the country and I live in town).  I told him I couldn’t; that I had my children with me.  He said, “Even better.  Let them finally see my place. ”  I should have known then that I was in trouble.

We got there.  My girls got big hugs.  I got a sexy smile.  Damn.

He looked…. really, really good.  Tan.  Fit.  He’d just gotten off a job site and was still looking rugged and scruffy.  He gave the girls a tour of his house, and they oohed and aahed.  Then he offered to show them the pool and the barns.  I stood at the backdoor, leaning on the doorjamb, as they meandered around the property.  They disappeared into one of the barns, and the next thing I knew, the three of them came roaring out on an ATV, my girls squealing with delight.  I watched as they tore around the property and finally arrived back at the house, covered in mud and breathless.

Damn him again.

I mean, really… is there anything so sexy as a man who truly likes kids?

Damn him.  Damn him. Damn him.

Finally, he showed me the landscaping materials, and then I announced that we needed to go.  As we were leaving, he hugged my kids and gave me a slow, sweet smile that I couldn’t help but return.  “Made you smile,” he said with a wink.

Damn him again.

I would like to report that I left and didn’t give him another thought, but I’d be lying like a rug.  I tossed and turned last night, trying to ignore the fact that he’d gotten under my skin.  Again.  I’m honestly not worried that we’ll go down the same road we’ve visited twice before.  I was consistent and clear with him yesterday that my answer to his invitation is a reluctant but firm “no.”  I reiterated what I want in a relationship.  I made it clear that I wasn’t going to jump in bed with him, no matter how much he teased and tempted.  I was strong.

But I didn’t want to be.  I was genuinely surprised by how I reacted to him physically.  If you’d have asked me before yesterday, I’d have been certain — certain — the he could no longer have any effect on me.  Apparently I was wrong.

Damn him again.

I hate men.  I really, really do.  Except that I don’t.

Sigh.

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2 Comments

Filed under dating, general musings, love, relationships, sex, single mom

2 responses to “I hate men. I really do. except that I don’t.

  1. I have one of these in my life, they just want the sex and then we see that the rest of them as so awesome and we see the perfect connection. If they would commit we would be theirs BUT Nope they don’t want the strings…Somehow they keep the strings to us and know they can get us. We have to be strong and keep the line drawn that says if you want me its all of me!

  2. I totally get what you’re saying… been there, too. Had that relationship a few years ago and it nearly made me crazy! Everytime I got away from him, the smallest effort on his part would yank me back in. Ugh! This particular case isn’t exactly like that. It’s more about his being majorly gun-shy of getting hurt again and me feeling like I can’t pay off his ex-wife’s karmic debt. Yes, he was treated badly in the past, but not by me. Add to that the fact that, once hurt, I retreat, and you’ve got some serious space between us… So, that is the nature of our divide. He would tell you that I jerk him around at least as much as he does me. I would just disagree. 🙂

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