how well do you know your vagina?

Even before I start, let me say that I can only imagine how many hits this post will receive, given that any post that even remotely touches on sex always skyrockets to the top of my ratings and claims the top spot for far longer than it generally deserves. But since we’re all (mostly) mature adults, I will continue…

When I was 21-years-old and living in England, I was on my lunch break one afternoon and alone in the office.  As I was leafing through some British version of Glamour or Cosmo or a faux Mademoiselle, I turned the page and was confronted with a double-page spread of vagina mugshots. One hundread to be exact. One hundred thumbnail photos of other women’s vaginas, all lined up neatly next to each other under the title “How Well Do You Know Your Vagina?” My jaw literally dropped. I turned the page quickly, but I couldn’t help but be intrigued. I snuck a peek back at the vaginal mugshots and proceeded to lose the better part of the afternoon learning more than any middle school health class had ever taught me about vaginas.

It was like intellectual porn, really.

There were lots of fun facts and figures (none of which I remember now), and all kinds of historical details about chastity belts and venereal diseases and the like. But the section that really arrested my attention that hot summer’s day was the part of the article that discussed how unique vaginas were and how very few of the 100 women pictured on the preceding pages could correctly pick out her own from the line-up. The magazine article lamented the fact and credited it to the repression of female sexuality.

At that, I looked up and wondered… Could that possibly be true? Of course we could pick out vaginas, right? We’d know our hands in a second. Our lips. Probably even our ears. And vaginas are at least as important as those, right? But then it dawned on me. I hadn’t ever really seen mine. Not really. Not the way it looked in the mugshots – the full-on, legs-spread version. And if I really thought about it, it had never occurred to me that they would all look so different. I figured they were mostly the same, perhaps with some minor variations, like a knee or an elbow.

Now, being that I was a young woman determined not to be sexually repressed, I was aghast. But I reassured myself what I was in the clear majority, according to the article. And actually (I triumphantly reminded myself!) as an American, I was probably in an even greater majority in my home country, given that we Americans hold the dubious honor of being the most sexually repressed Anglo society. So there!

But it still bothered me.

A few nights later, over Indian curry with some girl friends, I mentioned the article and asked them nonchalantly if they thought the statistics cited were surprising.

Girlfriend #1: That’s bollocks. Some twit who’s never seen her vagina wrote that article to justify her own prudishness.

GF #2: Agreed. It’s rubbish if you ask me I mean, who HASN’T seen theirs?

<general scoffing around the table as I took a quick bite of Naan and changed the subject>

Well, you can bet that I got very well-acquainted with a small compact mirror and my own pink parts later that night. Like hell was I going to be the only one of our acquaintance who couldn’t pick her vajayjay out of a line-up, should the need ever arise.

I had forgotten about that magazine article until recently. One morning I woke up, rolled over, grabbed my iPhone and opened my email to find this photo:

Credit: Elephant Journal. http://www.elephantjournal.com

It was attached to a story in one of my favorite online journals – Elephant Journal – about the latest craze in cosmetic surgery: vaginal reconstruction known as vaginoplasty. What?! I had never heard of this! Yet again, I was behind the proverbial eight-ball as far as vaginas were concerned!

You can read the article yourself here, but the nutshell version is this: women across the country are paying between $10,000-15,000 for designer vaginas. Apparently, the most desirable vagina is one with thick, full outer lips (or labia majora, if you’re the clinical sort) and small, tight inner lips (or labia minora). So, apparently, not all vaginas are created equally beautiful; someone, somewhere decided that there is a particular standard of vaginal beauty, and this is it.

Huh.

Okay, so maybe I should have been comforted and found some way of peacocking my privates around town a la Britney Spears, but instead I was just dumbfounded and more than a little appalled. I mean, really… is this what we’ve come to? We’re now judging and classifying women by the most private piece of our anatomy? Pitting us against each other – yet again! — in the continued, futile competition to be the perfect woman? How sad is that?

First I wondered whom decided on the ideal standard? The article indicates that this “perfect” vagina strongly resembles the standard exhibited by the ladies of the porn industry. After a moment’s confusion, I realized that this makes perfect sense. Women are watching porn in ever greater numbers – porn that is created by and mostly for men. And, for most women, it is our only real opportunity to see a vagina other than our own up close. So it stands to reason that more porn watching by women would result in a female curiousity about what other women look like down there and what men might prefer.

The next logical question is why would the male porn executives (do you suppose it says that on their business cards? “John Smith, Porn Executive”) favor this particular look over some other? Beauty, we know, is a standard that is (thankfully) forever changing to some extent. But, as study after study shows, within cultures, at any fixed time, there are very strong and consistent ideas of female beauty, and many of those ideas are rooted in biological drives of which we aren’t even aware. Large breasts suggest a nursing (and therefore) fertile woman. Same goes for a high waist to hips ratio. So, no surprise to discover that the porn pussy resembles a healthy, fertile young woman’s vagina. From older friends who speak plainly about these things, I have learned that as we age, and particularly as we go through menopause and lose estrogen, the inner and outer lips of our vaginas lose their fullness and elasticity, becoming elongated and darker. Therefore, vaginas that seem to resemble those characteristics of a post-menopausal woman (even in very young, nubile women) may be subconsciously associated with older, less fertile women.

So, yes, it appears that men (speaking very broadly here), might have a preference for a particular “look” in vaginas. This is not entirely news to me. Having a very curious nature and no real filter for probing questions with my male friends and lovers, I have conducted, over the years, my own informal survey of male preference of intimate female body parts like nipples and vaginas. And my highly unscientific survey supports the idea that there are, indeed, some very broad preferences.

Okay, so that’s the science (including my own, less-than-sound brand), but here’s how I think it works in real life: most men are simply happy to be given access to the castle. The location and structure of the moats and turrents are really quite unimportant in the grand scheme of things. As the Elephant Journal article makes plain, just because men may have a preference doesn’t mean that that preference will determine (or even influence!) their decisions about dating or having sex with a particular woman. One man even told me about how his ex had such long and protruding inner lips on her vagina that she would have to carefully tuck them into a bikini bottom. My mind boggled at this, and while he acknowledged that it was certainly not his favorite part of her anatomy, he’d been very attracted to her and loved her very much. So, bottom line, yes, he noticed, and no, it didn’t really matter. Was he relieved to discover I was built differently? Yes, but he definitely wasn’t dating me for my vagina any more than he’d left her because of hers.

I think the appearance and character of intimate female parts is, for men, probably similar to penis size and shape for women. Do we notice? Absolutely. But excepting the extreme ends of the spectrum, it doesn’t influence how we feel about the guy we’re with. Like eyes and hands and smiles, it may be – or not – something that we particularly like about our man.

So why are women spending so much money to get a designer vagina then? Typically I try to refrain from judging other women for their cosmetic surgery choices. Having not lived in their shoes, with their experiences, I do not feel qualified to cast a verdict on the wisdom of their nose job or breast augmentation. And, should I choose to have anything done to alter my body, I would not want other women weighing in with their opinions.

But.

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?! Seriously, people?

The breast thing, the nose job, the tummy tuck, the liposuction, the chin implant… I get it. Honestly, I do. This, I do not, though. While I can recognize that perhaps I have never encountered the unique humiliation of disrobing and being concerned about the appearance of my vajayjay, I still have to imagine that – not to be a broken record – but ultimately it doesn’t matter. Is there a man (or woman, for that matter) out there who stopped sleeping with a woman because he didn’t like the look of her vagina? Perhaps, but I’m really doubtful on this one.

But then I have to wonder if the male reactions are subtle and the guys valiant in their efforts to conceal some element of surprise or disappointment, and I cannot imagine how much that would surely suck.  I suspect that the ex with the protruding lips must have received some less than favorable reviews at some point in her life… enough for her to ask the man I know whether they bothered him. So, obviously, there was some uncertainty or insecurity there. That I get. That I understand. And that I wholeheartedly sympathize with. Given the extremely long list of things that women worry about as we disrobe for the first time, adding something that intimate (and heretofore unchangeable) to the list is just a crying shame.  Ugh!

Finally, I wonder at our choice in idol. Why, again, are we making ourselves over to look like porn stars? Are the women getting this cosmetic vaginal surgery the same ones who are getting the double F cup size on purpose? Or are these women who are otherwise just like me and have decided that they need a porn pussy to be pretty? Usually major beauty definition shifts are credited to bona fide celebrities (See Cindy Crawford for curvy models and Angelia Jolie for full lips). But in this case, we’re talking about emulating young women who’s biggest achievement thus far has been to star in a porn movie under a fake name that would likely make her father put a bullet in his head. I don’t really get it.

But I guess it’s the only model women have at this point. Until more female celebrities start following Britney’s lead and allowing us all a glimpse at their vajayjays, we can only go with what we can see, I suppose. Still, it seems a shame. I’m sure amongst the top 50 female celebrities, the variety of vaginal types would be quite diverse. By revealing themselves that way, they could likely set at ease millions of women nationwide and stop all this ridiculousness before it goes any further. But I don’t expect to see Jennifer Aniston opening her legs for Cosmo anytime soon.

Now that I think of it, if the female celebrities do decide to take a stand for vaginal beauty, I think that all their male counterparts should disrobe publicly as well. Just as a show of solidarity, of course. Definitely not because I’m curious and like seeing hot men naked. I’m just sayin’.

14 Comments

Filed under dating, relationships, sex

14 responses to “how well do you know your vagina?

  1. Anon today :D

    hmmm. I am a man, just so you know which perspective I am speaking from.

    I have been married a few times over the past 35 years. And the vj’s were quite different each time. A full range of features. I loved Each one. Their breasts were quite different as well. A wide range there too. Loved each of them. Now this might be a bit crass but after all, this is a discussion of intimate parts, so please bear with me on this next statement: My favorite? The one which was oh so wonderfully wrapped around my erection. I loved the woman, not just her body parts. Or I loved her and her body parts because they were part of her. 2 of my wives bore children for us; their bodies changed a lot after that. I loved them even more after that and our sex was even hotter, and louder, more frequent, and harder than ever. If it had been a gymnastics event, we would have medaled. :D

    So… please don’t go with surgery. You women are Wonderful as you are. Longer lips? How delightful to pull them into my mouth. Etc.

    Your battle scars from childbirth are emblems of love and dedication that are emotionally powerful to me, as they show me that you really love, deeply love, and gave life your all, as you walked through that Valley of Death to bring a child into this world. If your body has aged, viva la difference! So has mine! What was once a solid bodybuilder’s frame, well, I sag a bit too. How could I be comfortable with a woman who didn’t show her aging?

    If a man has not the above perspective, well, you deserve better. I’m not a great guy, but I loved the Woman I was with. All of her. Every day was a good day as I looked at her.

    Forgive me for being anonymous on this post. I have kids on the net and I don’t want them confronted with statements about their mothers. :D

    • What lovely sentiments. :-) They remind me of the man who once told me that a man’s favorite vagina was the last one he was in. He didn’t mean it crassly, either, but more as an acknowledgment that for the vast majority of us, sex is about a multitude of experiences and delights. He was the same man who helped me understand that while a man may admire an actress’ or model’s body parts in the abstract, he’d only really want them if they were attached to the woman he was in love with. I have never forgotten that. :-)

      Thanks for the comment. Oh, and I think it’s kind of nice that it’s anonymous…. as if you are symbolically speaking for more men than merely yourself. :-)

  2. *sigh* What a lovely discussion! I agree with you, TPG, that it’s a mystery as to why. This is another one I truly do not get. My only comment (well, word) to women who think it will make them tighter is this: Kegels…………….. :D

  3. When ‘they’ say that women worry about crazy things, this is what they mean. I don’t mean you of course. But seriously…why do (other) women get worried about this? As you point out, have *any* of us ever heard of a guy getting far enough into a relationship that The Pearly Gates are in sight and he said “Sorry babe, but I prefer a different shape”? Of course not!

    There are definitely big differences in shape, cuteness, moisture (sorry, but it’s true), and many other things. But it’s no different to kissing, faces, scent…everyone’s got differences. Just this one has very little effect on sex itself so doesn’t matter (unlike kissing, faces, scent, etc.)

    • Yes, SD, I think that’s my take-away, too. Yes, of course, people have preferences about certain things. And some of those things DO affect our general attractiveness as a sexual partner. But I’m not convinced this does, on the whole, and definitely not enough for these poor women to be anxious about it to the tune of $10,000.

  4. We are without a doubt one of the most puritanical societies on the planet. There are some feminists out there ahead of their time encouraging women to examine their vaginas and often do so at parties en masse.
    Now as a man and a sex coach, I can say that I don’t spend a lot of time examining a woman’s vagina. It is hard to look at when you have your face buried in it. As far as preferences, I can state for myself, I don’t like big butts or big nipples. I like small pink nipples. I once had sex with a black woman and her nipples were so black I had trouble putting them in my mouth.

    Now as far as boob jobs, I recommend against it. My wife had a boob job and while they were perfect, she did not want me playing with them because they were too sensitive. What good are big perky boobs when you can’t play with them?

    Now here is an admission, women are not the only ones who get smaller.
    Men lose penis girth and length as well. I used to have a 7″ pile driver and now it is a barely adequate 5″ which is a source of embarrassment for me and other older guys. Just thought that I would share to take some of the heat off you ladies and thanks for sharing.

  5. Well, John, as usual you’ve left me somewhat speechless. But thanks for sharing. :-)

  6. Too much info, my heart was in the right place. And it was my now ex wife to which I was referring

  7. Recovering Wayward

    Funny article! But I would caution about too broad a conclusion. I think that unappealing body parts CAN influence someone’s decision in a relationship. How often have I read about women who couldn’t stand that the man’s penis wasn’t large enough and dumped him after one night. Heard a woman on the radio last weekend talking about how an uncircumsized penis was a “deal breaker.”

    I wouldn’t have dumped a woman on how her vagina looked, but some are certainly more pleasantly formed than others. However, and you don’t mention this one, several women had very ummm…how shall i say it? They smelled bad. Really bad. Down there. Worse than the usual. I definitely did not go back because of it. Never told them why of course. I just disappeared. This was in the days before internet email, cell phones,etc.

    anyway, I enjoyed your article. In that clay model picture, I definitely could pick out ones I liked more than others. I wonder if I could pick out my own dick in a similar lineup? I think I could.

    • Hygiene is a completely different thing, and I absolutely agree. I have heard the same story from other men, and I’m sure women would agree. But that goes for body odors of lots of varieties, doesn’t it?

      As for circumcision… hmmm…. that is a really good point. I can’t believe I overlooked that one. I, too, know women for whom that is a deal breaker, and I definitely have a very strong preference.

      I think your statement — “I think that unappealing body parts CAN influence someone’s decision in a relationship.” — kind of captures it all. Because that is true of lots of different body parts… tummies, chests (both male and female), the general tone or flabbiness of someone’s body, etc. So I guess private parts really aren’t all that different.

      I guess at the end of the day, it all goes into the pot of what attracts or repels us from someone. There are probably some things that are nearly universal, but there are probably also some surprising exceptions to the general rules of attraction. :-)

      Thanks for visiting and for pointing out some holes in my “thesis.” :-)

  8. Recovering Wayward

    I appreciate YOUR frankness as well. Interesting blog. A woman talking about vaginas! I think that most women don’t realize that they all don’t look alike. That some are more appealing than others. Why because our society is endlessly making jokes about penises, without acknowledging that your little flowers are all different too. I will definitely search your site more tomorrow!

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